i am realizing that any job i would like to do probably does not exist in this “reality” (though if there’s a possibility of life on other planets, mightn’t there be a possibility of jobs there as well??) here are some jobs that some genius somewhere should employ me for.
1. BOOK DOCTOR
I will solve all mental and emotional maladies with a prescription for a book you neeed to read for the well-being of your soul (if you have one)
2. PROFESSIONAL COMPLAINER
ask me what’s wrong with something and i’ll complain about it until you beg for mercy
3. PROFESSOR OF DISSENT
i’ll teach your kids how to defy authority, because it’s so much more adorable when they do it
4. PROPRIETOR OF A MUSEUM DEDICATED TO PAPER
i like to horde paper,and information on papers, hoping someday someone will think it’s not a horriblefuckingidea (it would be more exciting than a disorganized library, fyi)
5. SEX FARM COMMUNITY ORGANIZER
raise crops and raise hell, in equal measure.
6. CELL PHONE HITLER
I will systematically eliminate all cell phones to create a stronger country full of young people with actual interpersonal skills who have actual life experiences (in case you didn’t already know, this is even more evidence of why i cannot function in the real world. ugh.)